last week at work...

well its monday morning and im at work... its my last monday ever at work and it feels super strange... i have only a month left in this big country of mine! wow! it seems like i have been waiting years and years for this time to come... only 39 days til im in london - wow!!

Don't fear me baby, it's just Justin - It feels good right...? Just listin...

hell yes thats right i went and saw JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE last nite... and o my god, o god, o god O MY GOD it was ------------------------- NO WORDS... i am at a LOSS for words... shock horror! in a word - perfect! from beginning to end it was totally spectacular, the singing the dancing the stage the set-up the backup dancers and singers and justin justin o justin.... completely perfect! i dont think ill ever see another show like it...

iv added a few pics - i took only about 700 and 200 videos!! ahahahaha

it was amazing and im so so happy that i got to share one of the most amazing nites of my life with my girl tine xxxx

mwa!! xx

where the hell is time going??

another few weeks have passed... and im like o shit where the hell did they go? tomoro is thursday and then it will b the weekend and holly shit then the 1st week of nov is over.. i remember may like it was yesterday *sigh*

sittin at home listing to these 'memory' and 'leting go' songs are NOT helping... self inflicted pain...

this feelin my stomach is not subsiding... unfortunately its geting stronger... i feel like im going to burst with excitement and im still a few weeks of yet.. well 10 til i go, 11 til london.... speaking of 10 weeks - slight change of plans for thailand... the woman i love, cherish, admire and fight with the most in the world( :P) ie my mother - is coming to thailand with me... i dont really no how to put into words how i feel... excitement, ecstatic happiness, glee, bliss - nothing seems to to really cut it... i cant believe she is coming... im embarking on the adventure of a lifetime and she will be there for the start of it... its just unbelievable... im going to thailand with my mumma :D its going to be the best and most special thing we have ever done together! its going to be something that we can both hold onto for the rest of our lives that just belongs to us! no one can taint it - thailand belongs to me and my mum!

mmm tafe tafe tafe iv only got just over a week to go... i dont know how the hell i did it.. i remember when i felt like i was crashing and burning from the weight of assessments and work never ending study and without even realising it - with just going through the motions, geting up every day, going to work tafe home sleeping and doing it over and over its happened - iv gotten to the other side (almost) and god i can tell u it feels FUCKING AMAZING :D im not counting my chickens yet... i know iv stil got 5 assessments 2 kick over til im done but god thats nothing - my fingertips are on that certificate!!

mmm my girl missy has just come onto my ipod... aaaah old memories...

well i think thats enough crapping on for one day.. iv gota hit the books.... ill leave u with a little something from the queen herself...



your warm whispers, out the dark they carry my heart
your warm whispers, into the dawn they carry me through
and im weeping warm honey and milk, that you stay surrounding me

your warm whispers, letting me drown in a pool in you
your warm whispers, keeping the noise from breaking through
and im weeping warm honey and milk, that you stay surrounding me...


im holding on xx

its a little bit funny... this feeling inside...

im not one of those, who can easily hide...

mmmm thankyou fat man with the twitchy beard from moulin rouge and mr elton john for those inspiring words...

it is a little funny tho, this feeling that i have in the pit of my stomach... its there in the morning and it gets stronger in the day the more i try to push it aside and forget about it... at night time tho its dam near impossible to do anything about it as it feels like its creeping up out of my stomach like liquid, pouring out of my tummy through my chest up and down my legs and arms and up my neck into my head and makes my cheeks hurt from smiling.... what the hell am i talking about you ask...? mmmm.... excitement :)

its a matter of weeks... (well about 13 but u know what i mean) until i embark on what is, cliched as it sounds - the biggest adventure of my life so far... the mere thought of picking up what little (HA!!) i own, shoving it all into a bag and plodding off over the other side of the world for a few years, absolutely terrifies and excites me more then just about anything!! i am so god dam bloody exited its all i can think about...

yes yes, of course im exited to see the boy (its been 5 months now *sigh* ) but there are million and one other things that i cant stop thinking about either... i start to think about thailand and what is going to be like riding elephants and rafting through ancient caves and eating REAL thai food (crazy i know) and bathing on white beaches with lagoons in front of me all by myslef... i imagine what its going to be like in london... with Buckingham palace and big ben and the tuuuuuube (that last one was sarcastic) and all the other historical things that our motherland has to offer and exploring them and seeing michael and mark and ryan and jules and michelle and jude and lara and al the others....

i imagine skiing in france and visiting paul and anna and alice in a chateau in neice, experiencing real wine and breathtaking cheeses.... and seeing natalie and her man in paris... a-wee wee ahaha

i imagine going to a coffee shop and smoking a shitload (sorry mum!) of weed with all my friends in holland... seeing mona and jeroen and paul and the other crazy dutchies!!

i imagine going to sweden GOD BLESS SWEDEN and seeing TEAM SWEDEN *yay* my anna-banana, sandra1 and sandra2, isabelle, louise, anna s, gorgeous helene, heidi and maria, per PER ahahaha, elin, joakim (even tho he is in norway but he is coming back) malin, crazy marcus, o god there are so many swedes im sorry guys if i missed you... we are going to party like its 19-99 in sweden o hell yeah!! and have lingemberry jam ahahaha

i imagine going to denmark and seeing my line and her man!! and flemming and rach if they are still there if not then i will see them in london!! carsten and his little flat, and see my best friend, my soulmate (tine)'s wonderful family.....

i imagine going down to germany and seeing toby and michael and the gorgeous steffi!! and all the bloody others.....!! hehe

and how can i forget hayley and davie in scotland? or mario in italy? or raul in spain? or my family in spain for that matter (if there is any...) o and eoin in ireland... and kurt and maria in norway? and bete in finland...?

and what about the special trip that i am taking to russia.......... to st petersberg (ie lennigrad) to visit nevsky prospekt... and the summer garden and the field of mars and live the bronze horseman out...

*sigh*

this all of this and so so much more is what is making that feeling inside grow day by day... it infiltrates my thoughts, my actions my being my everything... i love everyone here in aus so so much, my family, my friends my life right now....

but im so so ready to embark on my next big adventure...

til next time.... remember this little classic from virginia wolf - for most of history, Anonymous was a woman :)

ill try not 2 leave it so long next time....

mwa xxx

and oldie! but a goodie...?

not much to say really... iv been extremely sick, quite healthy, ecstatically happy and shatteringly sad in the last week or so :) just another day in the up n down life of danika - chorts!

ps. chorts (the new haha) will take the world by storm, u watch!!

i just found this on a scrap piece of paper whilst cleaning my room and i thort ooo im posting it :) its the first time in a week iv felt like writing (even tho it was written months ago...)

anyways, enjoy!

time stood still
and you were there
i was winter clothed
yet stripped so bare

that moment held
for hours to come
departed kiss
and you were none

i constantly feel
i am living the past
trying in vain to
hold what will not last

so scared to loose you
even more to let go
the thought of you leaving
breaks more then you know

what will be left?
little girl that is me
heart splintered in Sydney
dying to be set free

for just one more day
what i wouldn't do
give up everything
and be enveloped in you

mmmm young love huh...

take care ya'll - xx

ticking away...

its been a wee while sorry bout that... iv been a little under the weather with tonsillitis and a little chest infection had all week off work and stayed at my nans for a night for sum good old tlc :) back to work 2morow thank goodness, im tearing my hair out... cabin fever i swear!!

anyways... i was just lookin at my little calender and realised the date... 20th Sep... that means that its 4 months to the DAY that i leave aus... as soon as i realised it felt like this hook grabbed me around the navel and started pulling me inside out! WHERE is my money?? WHERE is my time spent cherished with friends and family?? WHERE the heck is my head?? im leaving to go on the journey of my LIFE in four months and i have no idea what stage im at... i think i planned so far in advance that none of it seemed real, and now that im so close to going im like o shit where did the last 4 months go...?

i remember when michael was leaving, i kept saying to him have u got this and done that and payed for that and organised this, and he kept saying to me chill out babe, it will all organise itself.. i remember lookin at him and thinking to myself that even though i loved him and was shattered that he was leaving aus without me, i wanted so badly to boot him out of the country myself that moment!! sort its self out? HOW can a trip overseas sort its self out... but i think i understand what he meant...

its not so much that the trip will sort its self out, more that if u worry and fret and stress about it, the time to come, the time gone etc, you will end up screwing something up... if you just relax, take it as it comes and breath - it will all unfold in front of you like its going to anyways... i cant beleive im actually saying it - but he was right... this is the one and only time i will admit it ok :)

anyways... so i guess i beta get thinking... im booked in for thailand but i have to finalise my accommodation this week and also my diving and cycling tour...

holy shit - im really going :)

mwa xxxx

all it takes...

all it takes is that one minute, that one hour, that one day to change you life...

less then ten minutes after she had written her blog last night, wallowing in self pity, there was a knock at her bedroom door... yes she cried out exasperated, annoyed at the fact that her housemates were bothering her and disrupting her moment of self loathing... the chipped cream door opened and a face that she was not expecting popped through... with a smile that could warm the coldest of hearts, the rest of the little body pushed through the doorway before the wallower had the chance to realise what was going on... she saved her tafe work, threw down her laptop on the bed and opened her tired arms... hi she said, voice shaking... the little woman who had just walked into her world crawled down onto the bed and into jumped into her arms and they both knew that in that moment, everything was ok... no love was lost, no pain remained.. in one instant, her best friend had spoken a thousand words with a single hug and made her feel human again... they laughed at their silly actions the night before, agreed to never let it happen again, and snuggled down for a night infront of the box (after making the quick bolt to pick up the thai in an aus idol add break)

so its just a quick message, to say my girl tine - thankyou for believing in me when i didnt believe in myself, and for knowing me and for loving me, and for not letting me wallow :)

i love you little one xxx

selfishness...

in a world filled with such chaos, pain, and disaster im constantly being reminded that there are much bigger things in the world then me... sometimes its so hard tho, to take a step back from a situation and take that much needed breath in and take an objective look.

this weekend, i feel that my little world literally crashed down around my feet... im sitting here now, in my bed with my laptop all alone, with a blank face because i am just hurting so much in so many ways that i dont know which emotion to feel - so i am feeling nothing. my brain has just shut down. i am blank, neutral, i am nothing.

its amazing how one day, one hour one minute can change your life. i heard a quote recently that says sometimes when you love someone or something so much, that you think you dont really love them or it, because you actually love them/it so so much, that it makes you numb to the feeling - and thats not a bad thing, that just means that you have a big heart... the little bubble that i lived in on friday, is not the bubble that i am living in today, just a mere 40 or so hours later.. how did i go from being genually happy in my workplace, my home, my life, loving my friends and family and feeling that i belonged, to feeling completely alone? i know that each day is different, and who know's tomorrow i could wake up and all will be a-ok again, but today, this pain is real. today all i feel is melancholy. today i am numb. i am numb to those who love me, and who dont. who care and who dont. who used to care but have now forgotten. i have given and taken in friendships and relationships (perhaps not always the right amount) but today i just have nothing left to give... i do not want to waste anytime with stupid fights, or hold things against people when there is such little time left - who know's what tomorrow may bring, but i am just utterly exhausted from the world and i need time to regroup within myself...

i got my tattoo (a little love heart on my wrist) to remind myself to love myself NUMBER ONE in this world. to make myself happy before i can expect others to make me happy. to take care of myself, because ultimately im the only person in my life i can 100% truly depend on, but today i feel like even giving up on myself...

i have been ignored by the person i care the most about in the world, poured my heart out to him and have received nothing in return, i have been belitled by my soulmate who told to do as she says-not as she does (which is alot easier said then done), i have had a close friend of mine tell me her world has crashed down around her and she is to flee to country to find inner peace, and at 20, what the hell can i say to her? i have had another who will not take NO for an answer, and in me relenting have perhaps given him false hope for the future, i have been pushed and pulled in every direction these last 48 hours that my mind, body and soul are just completely shattered.

so i bid you all a fond farewell for a few days, hopefully when i resurface, i will be the same old danika that you all used to know and love...

x

First light..

She wakes again, from a night of tormented sleep... Blood red sheets and doona wrapped around her skinny limbs like thick ropes. Not again she thinks... She lunges up and draws in her first breath of the day, stale cold air fills her lungs as she brings her fist hard down on the whooping alarm clock and throws herself back down on the mattress. She repeats the process twice more before accepting the inevitable. She opens her mouth and groans out loud at the thought of another day... Slowly she untangles herself from the mess in her bed and wonders inwardly what her dreams of the night before that she remembers like real memories mean? She consulates her dream dictionary to find that unfortunately, she isnt crazy as she so slightly hoped, but rather that a time for new beginnings is upon her and she is ready for whats to come.. She laughs at the books meaning as she throws it back to its home on her carpeted floor - what can be possibly be new about this day, when it is like every other - cold, lonely and full of lies.

She rises slowly from the mattress on the floor, hunched over as if she is fighting herself to stand, and slips on her black and gold thai dressing gown - thankful that she slept naked as images of being strangled by red betty-boop pajamas engulf her imagination. Thrusting open her bedroom door she walks quickly to the bathroom to being the morning rituals as the slate is freezing her bony feet. She leaves the bathroom, feeling false warmth from the water that just just enveloped around her - for a moment, she was held again...

Standing infront of her enormous wardrobe she contemplates her choice of clothes for the day... She wonders what she can wear that will tell the outside world she is ok today - for her choice of clothes has always reflected her inner feelings.. All she wants to wear is black, but knows that questions and grim-reaper jokes will abound in the workplace, so instead chooses her denim jeans that are tight, but not provocative, and a bright pink polo tshirt as a silent f**k you to the north shore snobs that surround her home... She may in affect dress like them today, but the colour she chooses is not a boring placid one - much like their personalities. She finishes the outfit with a pair of bright white 'sailboat' shoes, a small pink ring that she wears on the fourth finger of her right hand, and a small pair of blue and gold studs in her ears. She moves grudgingly to the small mirror leaning against her white window frame and ties her hair up in a small pony tail so it is out of her face for the day to come... She looks at herself in the mirror blankly, like she does everyday of late, inhales slowly and closes her eyes... she is transported back to the days when she was not alone standing infront of the mirror.

To a time, so long ago now, when she awoke - wrapped in another, rather then a blanket after another night of nightmares. When she smashed down the snooze button on the alarm not for thirty more minutes of sleep, but for thirty more minutes of bliss. When the warmth she felt wasnt from the shower, but that of anothers, who enveloped her until the last possible second, fighting the coming day. When she choose what to wear for the day to show off to the world what was his. When she had him to share her morning ritual with, and who filled her coming day with light, love and laughter.

She opens her eyes and for the first time in months - and smiles at herself. She blows herself a kiss, and turns and walks away... Baby steps she repeats to herself as she picks up her black handbag with the yellow scarf, and walks out her bedroom door... maybe this is the start of new beginnings...?

xx

honesty

those who know me, and i mean really know me, are already well aware of the facts of me listed below

i love to drink, perhaps a little too much...
i love to sleep, possibly too much...
i love to talk, definitely too much...
and i love to write in my poetry book, as often as i can...

i dont know where it came from or when it started... i have read back on old diaries of mine when i was a little girl and seen snippets of rhyming couplet's here and there, before i even realised i was doing it.. poetry for me, has always been my one true love-! it has been my release in life, there are times when words on their own fail me (i know SHOCK say u all) but when i write a poem, it just flows... whatever emotion i have at the time, love, hate, lust, pain, etc, they all seem to just flow into words and sentences and verses and then BOOM before i know it iv written another one...

i havnt been writing much as of late for a variety of reasons... i have been extremely busy with work and school... but mostly because the overriding emotion i hav been feeling for the last many months all seems to look and sound similar on the page i am writing... its the same with anything, there is only so many words in the english language to convey emotions and only so many times one can change those words around on a page without one's poetry starting to all sound the same...

i have recently created a separate blogger account to host my poems... this is something that the very very VERY few people in my life that i have shared my poetry with have encouraged me to do.. i have held back for 3 main reasons

1. because i am so brutally honest in my poetry, i am exposing myself virtually naked on page and am terrified of what my loved ones will think of they know the inner workings of my crazy mind

2. i do not want the people i have writtin about to be hurt,angered, embarrassed etc by what i have writtin...

3. i dont want some chumped up lil nobody in Guam stealing my poetry and saying its theirs!!

within my own little mind however, i have come up with a rebuttal for the above reasons-

the reason that i write my poetry is for ME! i dont write it to be published or put under the scope, i do it for myself, to get out my emotions and try to move on in that aspect of my life! Perhaps its time i put some clothes on and gained some perspective from others thoughts on my mine :) if people want to judge, or be angry or hurt or embarrassed, well sorry to say but stuff you! i didnt write it for a reaction, i wrote it because it was what i was feeling at the time... and i refuse to be judged by others when i know that everybody in this world has thought or even said something about someone that perhaps they meant at the time, but hav since changed their mind on... if anything, i should be given a silent nod for having the guts to bare my soul to the outside world!! (**mmm that was a little vain but u get my point) and lastly... well i suppose that it sum lil nobody in Guam is stealing my poetry, how am i to know? we cant all pretend that we never copied anyone's work before and said it was our own...

so - the point of this rambling post it - i will not be givin out the link to my other blog site, just yet... but below is a poem i wrote earlier this year... the 8th of january to be precise... it was written after i saw the attacks in Lebanon on television and just cried... i hope that you guys like it, and please let me know what you think :)

til next time...

slain down for no cause
unrelenting pain
pours down on mother earth
as poison acid rain

a dying man inhales
his final earthly breath
we all must succumb
accept this - his death

a land by law
we have created
no one abides
we live unabated

tormented tears role
cumbersome down faces
as we left bound struggle
in self-stone places

a downward spiral
engulfing human spirit
no man to reach beyond
destroy that outer limit

freedoms lost
we never owned
mankind turns inward
the silence does below

in each other we kill
no reason justified
our actions simultaneously
quantum magnified

on a worldly scale
for our retribution
mankind self-destructs
no deliverance of absolution


xx

what is it that does it for us?

after looking at my disheveled appearance - all oz mid-calf uggies, betty-boop pj bottoms, crazy cream n black patterned jumper, this mornings mostly gone-make up and hair hastily pulled up in a messy bun, i thort to myself, how can any1 find this look hot? men always say (*note, who are these people that ask men what they say??) that they love the look of a woman at home in her pj's more then a woman dressed up to the 9's in heels and a mini.. perhaps those men expected cute little play-boy slippers, matching pj's, a clean make-up free face and nice hair out cascading down a woman's shoulders..

What is it that attracts us to the opposite sex? why is it, that when fundamentally we are all the same, we are all attracted to different things? is it really that we are all attracted to 'good looking' people, but those who are not as attractive as others know that 'punching above their weight' can b futile, so settle for less? why is it that some men are boobs men, and others butts? y is it that some women go for the eyes first, others smile? personally i am a smile kinda-gurl.. give me a big goofy grin and uv won half the battle! my close girlfriends know what i have a secret affiliation for (secret meaning its NOT going to b posted on this blog) but even i have to question that this thing - why the HELL its what does it for me, and where did it come from?

Is it a pre-historic urge that i am attracted to this element of a person? I know that this isnt a sign of strength, either physically or genetically, its not some biological urge that i have to procreate strong healthy babies, its just something that for some god-forsaken reason, attracts me to someone instantly, or at least makes me do a double take... (*got u all guessing now eh)

u google enough words and ull get enough crazy answers... so according to the world wide web that ecompas's so much 'knowledge' the things we look for in the opposite sex are - scent (ah, not as in perfume), money, biological urge (perhaps even if there are those of us in denial about it), looks, personality, lifestyle, religion, values - i could give u the 332,000 answers that were found in .03 of a second - but ill spare you all... i guess in a way, i have just answered my own question... anything and everything can and does attract the opposite sex... at different times in our lives, we are searching for different things... our beliefs, needs etc change as we grow older, and so does what we search for in others...

it was worrying to note tho - in my many searches, one common theme occurred... advice, products and information on how a woman can 'keep' a man...

aren't they the ones who should be 'keeping' us... after all... we're the ones who after the man-loves-a-woman-very-very-much scenario, have to house mini-mankind inside our own body's and nurture, grow and love them from pregnancy and birth, raise them safely, send them out into the big bad world, and still have time for the career, the cooking and the cleaning, while the 'dominant' male in the household is out floundering around that goofy smile that caught your eye in the first place...???


hhhhmmm...

x

this time around...

all i know is that - the fear has got to go.. this time around...

mmm perhaps that last glass should not have been aloud... perhaps that last half nottle too... o well...

it got me thinking.. but perhaps i am a weeee lil too happy as larry to say what i am thinking at this point- because i promised that i would not ever delte a blog, therefore i do not want to delte this one and do not want to say something that the wole wide world can see even just for a minute... am i making sense?? probably not... ill leave u with these parting words then, that have nothing whatsoever to do with what im actually thinking rite now, or the pain in my little left finger - but still i think are important...

Mmmbop, ba duba dopBa du bop, Ba du dopBa du bop, Ba du dopBa duYeahOh yeahIn an Mmmbop they're goneYeah yeah - oops sorry wrong song :)

"Great Divide"

The earth is shaking under siege
And every breath will meet it's fate
Still we hunger for a moment of freedom
Even though the hour is late

I find hope and it gives me rest
I find hope in a beating chest
I find hope in what eyes don't see
I find hope in your hate for me
Have no fear when the waters rise
We can conquer this great divide

When every eye is on the fortuneI
t can only breed contempt
They say blood is thicker than oceans
Still we box our brothers in

I find hope and it gives me rest
I find hope in a beating chest
I find hope in what eyes don't see
I find hope in your hate for me
Have no fear when the waters rise
We can conquer this great divide

Whoa, ooo, ooo, ooo, oooWhoa, ooo, ooo, ooo, oooWhoa, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo

And we're gone
And we're gone
And we're holding on
And we're holding on
And we're holding onI find hope and it gives me rest
I find hope in a beating chest
I find hope in what eyes don't see
I find hope in your hate for me
Have no fear
Have no fear when the waters rise
We can conquer this great divide

....... and you all thought that Hanson were all about MBop huh.. shame on you all...


xx

why do people try to force something that isnt there?

Now i dont walk around with my head held high everyday because i think im 'all that' - its held high because i am a confident women with a purpose in life and a drive that comes from the lessons i was taught in life - know what you want, then bloody go get it! i love the friends that i have in my life, and i love what they bring to my life - why would i be there friends if i didnt? what i do not appreciate, from anyone - parent, friend, coworkers etc - is being TOLD what i want and what i like and more importantly, who i am or should be.. i am me, and if you do not like me, then thats ok - cuz i means i probably wont like you :) not everybody in this world has to be friends... of course that doesnt mean you are rude to poeple or impolite, but when people pretend that there is more to something then there is, really frustrates me...

there are two such people in my life at the moment, and to be frank - they are both doing my little head in!! the first of these people, has been in my life over a year now, and will continue to be until i leave for london.. the ignorance and naivety of this person astounds me! how can somebody in this day and age be so stupid? i know that sounds horrible - but i am a firm believer that this person chooses to remain naive, rather then grow from experiences. when confronted with a new experiance, rather then take a step back and learn from it, or after the situtation has occured discuss it and try to understand it - this person either laughs or dismisses it.. how can this person not want to learn and grow as a person? im the first to admit that in my life - its all about me me me, but this person takes it to a whole new level! i get frustrated almost daily at the excuses made for their behaviour.. i admit that for a lont time, i was one that made excuses, but i have recently just given up and will admit that she is just completely ignorant of life... if this person wasnt forced to be in my life, i know that i would not be friends with this person - it is not because there are horrible or anything - like anyone they have some good points and some bad points, but we just wouldn't be friends because our outlooks on life are so vastly different, our interests are nothing alike, and we as people are nothing similar... daily i make an effort with this person, however i feel that this person tries to make too much of an effort with me, and everyone else... its like its high school and this person has to be best friends with everyone... it frustrates me because i do not believe that everyone does have to be 'friends' - or at least not in the way that this person thinks they do... if the spark isnt there in a relationship with a lover - then people admit defeat and they let go, so why can this happen in 'friendships'? why do we force ourselves to be 'friends' with people that we normally wouldnt? why do we put up with more then we EVER would from a partner in friendships, just to save face...?

the second person has only entered my life recently... and im at a loss again... this person is very much like me - crazy, outgoing, hyper for no reason at all - they are they craziest person iv met in a long time and i love that i can dick around with them and just be me! what i dont like however, is that again - after i have made clear the boundaries and intentions of the friendship, the boundaries are pushed... i am happy with my life at the moment! I love being an independent woman living my life my way in Sydney. I am happy in going home alone after work, tafe, drinks etc - i do not need someone to walk me to a taxi, or catch one home with me, and i certainly do not need someone to be there when i wake up in the morning.. i have someone that can and did all those things for me and more, who at present in half a world away yes, but thats OK! i have made my choices and i believe in myself and the choices i have made... i do not need someone to come swooping into my life to be a fucking knight in shinning armour - do i look like a god dam damsel in distress.... no... didnt think so... i have over, and over again made clear to this person the situation in my life - and over and over again they say yep got it... but their actions speak nothing of their words... i like to hang out with this person because of who this person is, not because of the amazing job or contacts or whatever this person has - simply because they are a fun person, and i enjoy having fun people in my life! i know that this person wants something more though, and i feel that i am going to have to cut them out of my life, because they are pushing for something more...

which brings me to my point - why do people try to make more of something then it really is? why is it that poeple tolerate so much more from friends then the do partners? i know that i am not one to dole out relationship advice, but from my experience and observations of others - you wouldnt tolerate behaviour like this from your partner.. there seem to be so mant rules and regulations for relationships, but for friendships, its seems to be a free-for-all, and it just doesnt seem right to me...

so what is the lesson that i am to learn from these two people in my life? i have tried my best to be honest, laid out all my cards on the table - but all these two people do is shuffle my cards around on the table and try to tell me that my hand is wrong..

I dont pretened for a minute that i have all the answers.. but i guess the reason that i try to make the most of things and learn and grow - is because of my up-bringing.. my parents always told me that yes means yes, and no means no - if something is the way it is, its that way for a reason, and nothing you do will change that..

i guess from my point of view - there is nothing i can do but keeping being me... keep being honest, keep trying to live by convictions and the choices i have made.. it sounds harsh, but maybe you do have to be cruel to be kind..

oh its a hard life being so loved :) ahaha

x

my little lilemus :)

i have a dream - o wait wrong speech...

i have a friend... this girl, this woman, this soul-mate - is a woman like no other i have ever met...in the short time we have known each other, she has saved me from all that i have encountered - including myself...

she so so strong and independant - she comes from the other side of the world and she lives in the middle of this big bad city - she gets herself up out of bed every morning and home at all hours of the night... she studies at univeristy and works her butt off in a crazy job, all the while speaking a language that not her native tounge... she has more brains then all of our friends (including myself) put together - allthough she is lacking a little in the brawns department (she cant help it, its hereditary...) and she is drop dead gorgeous to top it all off!!

she does the typical best friend thing, stops you d'n'd-ing - drink'n'dialling, she holds your hair back while you throw up that last tequila shot, and everything else you had that day... she holds slaps you silly when you need it and she holds you close when you need it more... she know's when to call, and when not to message :P she know's when you need to go shopping, and when you just need a movie and thai at home... she know's me unlike i know myself...

she has been there for me, especially in the last three months - when i have lost faith in me... she has dropped everything, and come over when iv called... she has slept over on fridays and saturdays and tuesdays and mondays and whatever other day of the week i needed her, just so i didnt have to be alone... she has cried with me and laughed with me over bottles of wine, boxes of tissues and boats with michael buble in kbilli harbour at 3am (long-drunken story...) this little pocket fiary of mine - has physically goten me up out of bed and kicked my butt out the door some days - whatever it took to keep me going - she did it with bells on...

but when it comes to her... she is weak... when it comes to her- i try as hard as i can, to be her pillar of strength... i try to be there when she needs me, to be there if she falls, so that if i cant catch her, i can at least help her break the fall... when it comes to my lilemus, she is like all women, believes blindly in her friends, yet believes nothing of herself... if i cud, i would wrap her up in my arms so tight and take all the pain and heartbreak out of her little body forever, so that she had nothing but love and happiness and contentment for the rest of her long healthy life... i wish for her, what she has brought for me... joy, delight, blinding faith, happiness, laughter, life, and above all - love... i wish for her more then anything that she will love herself, as much as i do...

I know that wherever i am in this life, that when it hurts to look back, and im scared to look ahead, that i can look beside, and lilemus will be there...

xx

time?

i just saw a photo of my niece.. although she is not niece by blood she is in faith - and in life sometimes thats just as important.. i remember playing with her when she was a mere lil totta.. her christening in her white dress - holding her, playing with her in the park at woopi main beach.. i remember getin dressed that day and getin to wear my purple dress that i loved so much at the time.. it was a gorgeous deep pruple tye-dyed 3/4 sleeve with a gold circular emblem on the front... my mummy and i had brought it years?months? earlier from the store in the mall... um mother earth? something earth? if i breath in deeply can smell the incense in the shop now..

but she isnt that little girl she was in her little white dress and im not the little girl in the purple dress anymore either - i havnt been for a long time.. i look back on my life, and tho hard to distinguish exactly when the points in my life hav been that i have gone from childhood, to those horrible awkward teenage years and now to semi-adult hood - i wonder, where the hell did all those years go for gab...? granted that she is still on the cusp of childhood, and has aaaaall those wonderful times ahead of her that high school bring (irony intended) i wonder when she ceased being the little girl in the white dress - to me....?

the more i try and think to, the more i realise (thank GOD!!) that she IS still that little gorgeous angel from that day 10 years ago... and to my mother, i am still that little girl in the purple dress to her... cliches abound in this life - especially for those of us who grew up having that hollywood junk shoved down our throats, but its true what that say - this is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it life!

i came home tonight from work (only an hour n a half late) and on the train i had that feeling that i sometimes get, and i dont know why but it ALWAYS happens on public transport in sydney (maybe because we didnt have it back home..!?!?!) anyways, i had this feeling, like when the hell did i become grown up enough to get my arse on a train to work and home 5 days a week, and to school 3 nites a week...? when was the point, that it went from - oh im so cool i live out of home blah blah blah - to, ok rent is this much, according to my savings i have this much for clothes, this much for coffee's, this much put away for london etc etc.. when was the point in my own life, i stopped being that little girl in the purple dress?

i got off the train, and i put my ipod away, and i walked slowly down to kbilli park... taking big steps sothat my feet had one block pf pavment each... i lied down on the grass riiiiiiiiiiiite in the middle and opened my arms and legs out in a star and i looked up at the stars and i just laughed :) i laughed, because i realised that no mata the bullshit that is going on in this world, no mata the times im sorounded my friends, or alone in my room, no matter the fact that the ones i love are so far away from me, or i am so far away from them - that i AM that same little girl in the purple dress on the inside - am im never going to change that... not for anybody...

xx

mmmm..... foooood

iv been livin in kbilli for about - o 4 months now it must be.. and ill admit that the area has had a bit of an effect on me... for instance, im eating avacardo on multigrain+wholemeal bread with vegitable sea salt... i mean come on - this is the queen of mcdonalds talking here... now im not about to go down 2 the park and do yoga every sat morn - or join the little sailing groups that bop around the water just down from my house, i havnt gone that 'north shore'... i just looked down at my plate and started laughing, and wondering - why the hell am i eating this food and not an optropo burger from oportoes like i used 2 on saturdays...? well its not because i am joingin up to the newest n bestested fab thats hit thie suburb or any of that mumbo jumbo - its hoesntly bcuz the little kbilli supermarket that i shop at sells all sorts of WACK foods n this is the closest i could get 2 a normal meal for sat :) now im sure that my insides are screaming with glee at the healthy food that i am currently digesting, however my taste buds are calling out for sugar, more flavour - something ANYTHING!!

it got me thinking, when i lived in chipindale in the city - i was eating maca's more then twice a week, and using kfc and oportoes the other nites for 'variety'... i mean COME ON - wat kind of diet is that? o 2day ill have fanta instead of coke, that'll b my fruit hit for the day... but when u have all 3 of those shops 1 minute from your door- how the bloody hell do u say no??

**my flatmates r playing mj - ie the king of POP at the loudest our souround sound in the lounge can go, im sitting on my mattress and the walls are shaking**

moneywise, it is a wee bit expensive to buy ten dollar meals each time you eat, in my bugdet, i barely get 20 for the whole day, and blowing 11.50 at macas on a large triple cheeseburger meal with 6 nuggets n sweet n sour souce is quite a chunk taken out of that - but i was just so much easier. Eesier in the fact that i put in 65+ hours a WEEK at work and night school, not to mention the time spent traveling and homework on the weekends... by the time lunch or dinner comes around, if i hav rememberd to eat earlier in the day and am not starving, then im so bloody tired the last thing i do is feel like going to woolies and shopping, trying to remember wat my mum used 2 cook at home because aparently spageti from a tin on toast doesnt classify as a 'meal' - and then going all the way home, cooking, eating and cleaning it all up... its much easier to just go line up for 15-45 seconds, and woosh bang pop - iv got bread, meat, vegies (the gurchin) and a nice drink 2 acopany my meal...

not these days tho... the closet thing IV got to fast food these days is the 3 week old pie that sits on the slide-door keep warm little cabnit thingie on the other side of milsons point station... hence - the avi on toast... if i feel like treating myself ill head up to the spit-roast shop, where i can a portugese chicken burger with salad - i tell u, the north shore idea of fast food, not only takes at least 7mins (yes iv timed) but doesnt give you that same feeling the macas does, u no wat i mean... feeling like ur 10 years old again sneaking macas with ur nanny at maroubra junction n promising not to tell ur mummy - o well maybe that was just me :P well i spose i shud b thankful that im eatin so healthly these days, and i have quit the fags... the sun is shinning today its 25 degrees outside and i can c the water if i lean out my window...

all i feel like tho is a large triple cheese, nuggets and apple pie and a fag hanging out my mouth... now THAT, would make me feel 'really' happy - wouldnty it...? damn those marketing men damn them!!

x

the first of many...

the idea of posting a regular blog is, well to be honest its a little scary for me.. i write often in my diary, and i write religiously in my poetry books... but to put it out there in the world wide web for all to see... well i suppose its not really any different then posting on my facebook, bebo, myspace or ringo accounts... well it is a little different...here i am exposing myself to the world through the form of the written word, rather then in the photos and gadgets etc that i have all over my other pages... and you know what - this scares me more then anything...

a wise women once said to me that looks will fade - but your mind wont... i think of myself as a reasonably smart person, someone who can hold her own in a conversation, who is always looking to learn new things... im constantly reading - whether it be a book at nite after iv finally turned off the tv and lights in my room in the wee hours of the morning, or the mx paper as im standing, trying in vain to stay still and not re-read the same line 5 times in a row on the train home from work... i love writing just about as much as i love talking - and we all know that is saying something... however to have others out there reading MY writing, well its a little unnerving...

i invite you all to comment - lets be honest here as much as its scary to put this all out there why would i be unless i wanted it read? and mum, we both know that there are going to be many a time where i spell things wrong or use the wrong grammer, but just look past it, just this once ok - and ill promise to try my hardest not to type the word 'like' ever again :)

so take care everyone, i miss you all wherever you are in this big bad world of ours - and i hope that you guys get as much out of reading this as i do from writing it..

till next time - may the wind always be at your backs

x