selfishness...

in a world filled with such chaos, pain, and disaster im constantly being reminded that there are much bigger things in the world then me... sometimes its so hard tho, to take a step back from a situation and take that much needed breath in and take an objective look.

this weekend, i feel that my little world literally crashed down around my feet... im sitting here now, in my bed with my laptop all alone, with a blank face because i am just hurting so much in so many ways that i dont know which emotion to feel - so i am feeling nothing. my brain has just shut down. i am blank, neutral, i am nothing.

its amazing how one day, one hour one minute can change your life. i heard a quote recently that says sometimes when you love someone or something so much, that you think you dont really love them or it, because you actually love them/it so so much, that it makes you numb to the feeling - and thats not a bad thing, that just means that you have a big heart... the little bubble that i lived in on friday, is not the bubble that i am living in today, just a mere 40 or so hours later.. how did i go from being genually happy in my workplace, my home, my life, loving my friends and family and feeling that i belonged, to feeling completely alone? i know that each day is different, and who know's tomorrow i could wake up and all will be a-ok again, but today, this pain is real. today all i feel is melancholy. today i am numb. i am numb to those who love me, and who dont. who care and who dont. who used to care but have now forgotten. i have given and taken in friendships and relationships (perhaps not always the right amount) but today i just have nothing left to give... i do not want to waste anytime with stupid fights, or hold things against people when there is such little time left - who know's what tomorrow may bring, but i am just utterly exhausted from the world and i need time to regroup within myself...

i got my tattoo (a little love heart on my wrist) to remind myself to love myself NUMBER ONE in this world. to make myself happy before i can expect others to make me happy. to take care of myself, because ultimately im the only person in my life i can 100% truly depend on, but today i feel like even giving up on myself...

i have been ignored by the person i care the most about in the world, poured my heart out to him and have received nothing in return, i have been belitled by my soulmate who told to do as she says-not as she does (which is alot easier said then done), i have had a close friend of mine tell me her world has crashed down around her and she is to flee to country to find inner peace, and at 20, what the hell can i say to her? i have had another who will not take NO for an answer, and in me relenting have perhaps given him false hope for the future, i have been pushed and pulled in every direction these last 48 hours that my mind, body and soul are just completely shattered.

so i bid you all a fond farewell for a few days, hopefully when i resurface, i will be the same old danika that you all used to know and love...

x