time?

i just saw a photo of my niece.. although she is not niece by blood she is in faith - and in life sometimes thats just as important.. i remember playing with her when she was a mere lil totta.. her christening in her white dress - holding her, playing with her in the park at woopi main beach.. i remember getin dressed that day and getin to wear my purple dress that i loved so much at the time.. it was a gorgeous deep pruple tye-dyed 3/4 sleeve with a gold circular emblem on the front... my mummy and i had brought it years?months? earlier from the store in the mall... um mother earth? something earth? if i breath in deeply can smell the incense in the shop now..

but she isnt that little girl she was in her little white dress and im not the little girl in the purple dress anymore either - i havnt been for a long time.. i look back on my life, and tho hard to distinguish exactly when the points in my life hav been that i have gone from childhood, to those horrible awkward teenage years and now to semi-adult hood - i wonder, where the hell did all those years go for gab...? granted that she is still on the cusp of childhood, and has aaaaall those wonderful times ahead of her that high school bring (irony intended) i wonder when she ceased being the little girl in the white dress - to me....?

the more i try and think to, the more i realise (thank GOD!!) that she IS still that little gorgeous angel from that day 10 years ago... and to my mother, i am still that little girl in the purple dress to her... cliches abound in this life - especially for those of us who grew up having that hollywood junk shoved down our throats, but its true what that say - this is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it life!

i came home tonight from work (only an hour n a half late) and on the train i had that feeling that i sometimes get, and i dont know why but it ALWAYS happens on public transport in sydney (maybe because we didnt have it back home..!?!?!) anyways, i had this feeling, like when the hell did i become grown up enough to get my arse on a train to work and home 5 days a week, and to school 3 nites a week...? when was the point, that it went from - oh im so cool i live out of home blah blah blah - to, ok rent is this much, according to my savings i have this much for clothes, this much for coffee's, this much put away for london etc etc.. when was the point in my own life, i stopped being that little girl in the purple dress?

i got off the train, and i put my ipod away, and i walked slowly down to kbilli park... taking big steps sothat my feet had one block pf pavment each... i lied down on the grass riiiiiiiiiiiite in the middle and opened my arms and legs out in a star and i looked up at the stars and i just laughed :) i laughed, because i realised that no mata the bullshit that is going on in this world, no mata the times im sorounded my friends, or alone in my room, no matter the fact that the ones i love are so far away from me, or i am so far away from them - that i AM that same little girl in the purple dress on the inside - am im never going to change that... not for anybody...

xx