not much to say really... iv been extremely sick, quite healthy, ecstatically happy and shatteringly sad in the last week or so :) just another day in the up n down life of danika - chorts!
ps. chorts (the new haha) will take the world by storm, u watch!!
i just found this on a scrap piece of paper whilst cleaning my room and i thort ooo im posting it :) its the first time in a week iv felt like writing (even tho it was written months ago...)
anyways, enjoy!
time stood still
and you were there
i was winter clothed
yet stripped so bare
that moment held
for hours to come
departed kiss
and you were none
i constantly feel
i am living the past
trying in vain to
hold what will not last
so scared to loose you
even more to let go
the thought of you leaving
breaks more then you know
what will be left?
little girl that is me
heart splintered in Sydney
dying to be set free
for just one more day
what i wouldn't do
give up everything
and be enveloped in you
mmmm young love huh...
take care ya'll - xx
September 25, 2007
September 20, 2007
ticking away...
its been a wee while sorry bout that... iv been a little under the weather with tonsillitis and a little chest infection had all week off work and stayed at my nans for a night for sum good old tlc :) back to work 2morow thank goodness, im tearing my hair out... cabin fever i swear!!
anyways... i was just lookin at my little calender and realised the date... 20th Sep... that means that its 4 months to the DAY that i leave aus... as soon as i realised it felt like this hook grabbed me around the navel and started pulling me inside out! WHERE is my money?? WHERE is my time spent cherished with friends and family?? WHERE the heck is my head?? im leaving to go on the journey of my LIFE in four months and i have no idea what stage im at... i think i planned so far in advance that none of it seemed real, and now that im so close to going im like o shit where did the last 4 months go...?
i remember when michael was leaving, i kept saying to him have u got this and done that and payed for that and organised this, and he kept saying to me chill out babe, it will all organise itself.. i remember lookin at him and thinking to myself that even though i loved him and was shattered that he was leaving aus without me, i wanted so badly to boot him out of the country myself that moment!! sort its self out? HOW can a trip overseas sort its self out... but i think i understand what he meant...
its not so much that the trip will sort its self out, more that if u worry and fret and stress about it, the time to come, the time gone etc, you will end up screwing something up... if you just relax, take it as it comes and breath - it will all unfold in front of you like its going to anyways... i cant beleive im actually saying it - but he was right... this is the one and only time i will admit it ok :)
anyways... so i guess i beta get thinking... im booked in for thailand but i have to finalise my accommodation this week and also my diving and cycling tour...
holy shit - im really going :)
mwa xxxx
anyways... i was just lookin at my little calender and realised the date... 20th Sep... that means that its 4 months to the DAY that i leave aus... as soon as i realised it felt like this hook grabbed me around the navel and started pulling me inside out! WHERE is my money?? WHERE is my time spent cherished with friends and family?? WHERE the heck is my head?? im leaving to go on the journey of my LIFE in four months and i have no idea what stage im at... i think i planned so far in advance that none of it seemed real, and now that im so close to going im like o shit where did the last 4 months go...?
i remember when michael was leaving, i kept saying to him have u got this and done that and payed for that and organised this, and he kept saying to me chill out babe, it will all organise itself.. i remember lookin at him and thinking to myself that even though i loved him and was shattered that he was leaving aus without me, i wanted so badly to boot him out of the country myself that moment!! sort its self out? HOW can a trip overseas sort its self out... but i think i understand what he meant...
its not so much that the trip will sort its self out, more that if u worry and fret and stress about it, the time to come, the time gone etc, you will end up screwing something up... if you just relax, take it as it comes and breath - it will all unfold in front of you like its going to anyways... i cant beleive im actually saying it - but he was right... this is the one and only time i will admit it ok :)
anyways... so i guess i beta get thinking... im booked in for thailand but i have to finalise my accommodation this week and also my diving and cycling tour...
holy shit - im really going :)
mwa xxxx
September 10, 2007
all it takes...
all it takes is that one minute, that one hour, that one day to change you life...
less then ten minutes after she had written her blog last night, wallowing in self pity, there was a knock at her bedroom door... yes she cried out exasperated, annoyed at the fact that her housemates were bothering her and disrupting her moment of self loathing... the chipped cream door opened and a face that she was not expecting popped through... with a smile that could warm the coldest of hearts, the rest of the little body pushed through the doorway before the wallower had the chance to realise what was going on... she saved her tafe work, threw down her laptop on the bed and opened her tired arms... hi she said, voice shaking... the little woman who had just walked into her world crawled down onto the bed and into jumped into her arms and they both knew that in that moment, everything was ok... no love was lost, no pain remained.. in one instant, her best friend had spoken a thousand words with a single hug and made her feel human again... they laughed at their silly actions the night before, agreed to never let it happen again, and snuggled down for a night infront of the box (after making the quick bolt to pick up the thai in an aus idol add break)
so its just a quick message, to say my girl tine - thankyou for believing in me when i didnt believe in myself, and for knowing me and for loving me, and for not letting me wallow :)
i love you little one xxx
less then ten minutes after she had written her blog last night, wallowing in self pity, there was a knock at her bedroom door... yes she cried out exasperated, annoyed at the fact that her housemates were bothering her and disrupting her moment of self loathing... the chipped cream door opened and a face that she was not expecting popped through... with a smile that could warm the coldest of hearts, the rest of the little body pushed through the doorway before the wallower had the chance to realise what was going on... she saved her tafe work, threw down her laptop on the bed and opened her tired arms... hi she said, voice shaking... the little woman who had just walked into her world crawled down onto the bed and into jumped into her arms and they both knew that in that moment, everything was ok... no love was lost, no pain remained.. in one instant, her best friend had spoken a thousand words with a single hug and made her feel human again... they laughed at their silly actions the night before, agreed to never let it happen again, and snuggled down for a night infront of the box (after making the quick bolt to pick up the thai in an aus idol add break)
so its just a quick message, to say my girl tine - thankyou for believing in me when i didnt believe in myself, and for knowing me and for loving me, and for not letting me wallow :)
i love you little one xxx
September 09, 2007
selfishness...
in a world filled with such chaos, pain, and disaster im constantly being reminded that there are much bigger things in the world then me... sometimes its so hard tho, to take a step back from a situation and take that much needed breath in and take an objective look.
this weekend, i feel that my little world literally crashed down around my feet... im sitting here now, in my bed with my laptop all alone, with a blank face because i am just hurting so much in so many ways that i dont know which emotion to feel - so i am feeling nothing. my brain has just shut down. i am blank, neutral, i am nothing.
its amazing how one day, one hour one minute can change your life. i heard a quote recently that says sometimes when you love someone or something so much, that you think you dont really love them or it, because you actually love them/it so so much, that it makes you numb to the feeling - and thats not a bad thing, that just means that you have a big heart... the little bubble that i lived in on friday, is not the bubble that i am living in today, just a mere 40 or so hours later.. how did i go from being genually happy in my workplace, my home, my life, loving my friends and family and feeling that i belonged, to feeling completely alone? i know that each day is different, and who know's tomorrow i could wake up and all will be a-ok again, but today, this pain is real. today all i feel is melancholy. today i am numb. i am numb to those who love me, and who dont. who care and who dont. who used to care but have now forgotten. i have given and taken in friendships and relationships (perhaps not always the right amount) but today i just have nothing left to give... i do not want to waste anytime with stupid fights, or hold things against people when there is such little time left - who know's what tomorrow may bring, but i am just utterly exhausted from the world and i need time to regroup within myself...
i got my tattoo (a little love heart on my wrist) to remind myself to love myself NUMBER ONE in this world. to make myself happy before i can expect others to make me happy. to take care of myself, because ultimately im the only person in my life i can 100% truly depend on, but today i feel like even giving up on myself...
i have been ignored by the person i care the most about in the world, poured my heart out to him and have received nothing in return, i have been belitled by my soulmate who told to do as she says-not as she does (which is alot easier said then done), i have had a close friend of mine tell me her world has crashed down around her and she is to flee to country to find inner peace, and at 20, what the hell can i say to her? i have had another who will not take NO for an answer, and in me relenting have perhaps given him false hope for the future, i have been pushed and pulled in every direction these last 48 hours that my mind, body and soul are just completely shattered.
so i bid you all a fond farewell for a few days, hopefully when i resurface, i will be the same old danika that you all used to know and love...
x
this weekend, i feel that my little world literally crashed down around my feet... im sitting here now, in my bed with my laptop all alone, with a blank face because i am just hurting so much in so many ways that i dont know which emotion to feel - so i am feeling nothing. my brain has just shut down. i am blank, neutral, i am nothing.
its amazing how one day, one hour one minute can change your life. i heard a quote recently that says sometimes when you love someone or something so much, that you think you dont really love them or it, because you actually love them/it so so much, that it makes you numb to the feeling - and thats not a bad thing, that just means that you have a big heart... the little bubble that i lived in on friday, is not the bubble that i am living in today, just a mere 40 or so hours later.. how did i go from being genually happy in my workplace, my home, my life, loving my friends and family and feeling that i belonged, to feeling completely alone? i know that each day is different, and who know's tomorrow i could wake up and all will be a-ok again, but today, this pain is real. today all i feel is melancholy. today i am numb. i am numb to those who love me, and who dont. who care and who dont. who used to care but have now forgotten. i have given and taken in friendships and relationships (perhaps not always the right amount) but today i just have nothing left to give... i do not want to waste anytime with stupid fights, or hold things against people when there is such little time left - who know's what tomorrow may bring, but i am just utterly exhausted from the world and i need time to regroup within myself...
i got my tattoo (a little love heart on my wrist) to remind myself to love myself NUMBER ONE in this world. to make myself happy before i can expect others to make me happy. to take care of myself, because ultimately im the only person in my life i can 100% truly depend on, but today i feel like even giving up on myself...
i have been ignored by the person i care the most about in the world, poured my heart out to him and have received nothing in return, i have been belitled by my soulmate who told to do as she says-not as she does (which is alot easier said then done), i have had a close friend of mine tell me her world has crashed down around her and she is to flee to country to find inner peace, and at 20, what the hell can i say to her? i have had another who will not take NO for an answer, and in me relenting have perhaps given him false hope for the future, i have been pushed and pulled in every direction these last 48 hours that my mind, body and soul are just completely shattered.
so i bid you all a fond farewell for a few days, hopefully when i resurface, i will be the same old danika that you all used to know and love...
x
September 04, 2007
First light..
She wakes again, from a night of tormented sleep... Blood red sheets and doona wrapped around her skinny limbs like thick ropes. Not again she thinks... She lunges up and draws in her first breath of the day, stale cold air fills her lungs as she brings her fist hard down on the whooping alarm clock and throws herself back down on the mattress. She repeats the process twice more before accepting the inevitable. She opens her mouth and groans out loud at the thought of another day... Slowly she untangles herself from the mess in her bed and wonders inwardly what her dreams of the night before that she remembers like real memories mean? She consulates her dream dictionary to find that unfortunately, she isnt crazy as she so slightly hoped, but rather that a time for new beginnings is upon her and she is ready for whats to come.. She laughs at the books meaning as she throws it back to its home on her carpeted floor - what can be possibly be new about this day, when it is like every other - cold, lonely and full of lies.
She rises slowly from the mattress on the floor, hunched over as if she is fighting herself to stand, and slips on her black and gold thai dressing gown - thankful that she slept naked as images of being strangled by red betty-boop pajamas engulf her imagination. Thrusting open her bedroom door she walks quickly to the bathroom to being the morning rituals as the slate is freezing her bony feet. She leaves the bathroom, feeling false warmth from the water that just just enveloped around her - for a moment, she was held again...
Standing infront of her enormous wardrobe she contemplates her choice of clothes for the day... She wonders what she can wear that will tell the outside world she is ok today - for her choice of clothes has always reflected her inner feelings.. All she wants to wear is black, but knows that questions and grim-reaper jokes will abound in the workplace, so instead chooses her denim jeans that are tight, but not provocative, and a bright pink polo tshirt as a silent f**k you to the north shore snobs that surround her home... She may in affect dress like them today, but the colour she chooses is not a boring placid one - much like their personalities. She finishes the outfit with a pair of bright white 'sailboat' shoes, a small pink ring that she wears on the fourth finger of her right hand, and a small pair of blue and gold studs in her ears. She moves grudgingly to the small mirror leaning against her white window frame and ties her hair up in a small pony tail so it is out of her face for the day to come... She looks at herself in the mirror blankly, like she does everyday of late, inhales slowly and closes her eyes... she is transported back to the days when she was not alone standing infront of the mirror.
To a time, so long ago now, when she awoke - wrapped in another, rather then a blanket after another night of nightmares. When she smashed down the snooze button on the alarm not for thirty more minutes of sleep, but for thirty more minutes of bliss. When the warmth she felt wasnt from the shower, but that of anothers, who enveloped her until the last possible second, fighting the coming day. When she choose what to wear for the day to show off to the world what was his. When she had him to share her morning ritual with, and who filled her coming day with light, love and laughter.
She opens her eyes and for the first time in months - and smiles at herself. She blows herself a kiss, and turns and walks away... Baby steps she repeats to herself as she picks up her black handbag with the yellow scarf, and walks out her bedroom door... maybe this is the start of new beginnings...?
xx
She rises slowly from the mattress on the floor, hunched over as if she is fighting herself to stand, and slips on her black and gold thai dressing gown - thankful that she slept naked as images of being strangled by red betty-boop pajamas engulf her imagination. Thrusting open her bedroom door she walks quickly to the bathroom to being the morning rituals as the slate is freezing her bony feet. She leaves the bathroom, feeling false warmth from the water that just just enveloped around her - for a moment, she was held again...
Standing infront of her enormous wardrobe she contemplates her choice of clothes for the day... She wonders what she can wear that will tell the outside world she is ok today - for her choice of clothes has always reflected her inner feelings.. All she wants to wear is black, but knows that questions and grim-reaper jokes will abound in the workplace, so instead chooses her denim jeans that are tight, but not provocative, and a bright pink polo tshirt as a silent f**k you to the north shore snobs that surround her home... She may in affect dress like them today, but the colour she chooses is not a boring placid one - much like their personalities. She finishes the outfit with a pair of bright white 'sailboat' shoes, a small pink ring that she wears on the fourth finger of her right hand, and a small pair of blue and gold studs in her ears. She moves grudgingly to the small mirror leaning against her white window frame and ties her hair up in a small pony tail so it is out of her face for the day to come... She looks at herself in the mirror blankly, like she does everyday of late, inhales slowly and closes her eyes... she is transported back to the days when she was not alone standing infront of the mirror.
To a time, so long ago now, when she awoke - wrapped in another, rather then a blanket after another night of nightmares. When she smashed down the snooze button on the alarm not for thirty more minutes of sleep, but for thirty more minutes of bliss. When the warmth she felt wasnt from the shower, but that of anothers, who enveloped her until the last possible second, fighting the coming day. When she choose what to wear for the day to show off to the world what was his. When she had him to share her morning ritual with, and who filled her coming day with light, love and laughter.
She opens her eyes and for the first time in months - and smiles at herself. She blows herself a kiss, and turns and walks away... Baby steps she repeats to herself as she picks up her black handbag with the yellow scarf, and walks out her bedroom door... maybe this is the start of new beginnings...?
xx
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